Genuine A-Grade Foodstuffs
by Jadzia Bear
Summary: There's a saying about men and hearts and stomachs... A crossover fic that finds Darcy Lewis from Thor on the good ship Serenity.


**AN:** Written for the Darcyland AU Challenge. Conceptually this borrows heavily from my abandoned Firefly WIP (The Phoenix and the Firefly), but I figure I'm allowed to steal from myself! The title is a quote from the pilot episode of Firefly, called Serenity. Many thanks to merideath for the beta.

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"I tell you, Zoe, we get a mechanic, get her up and runnin' again, hire a good pilot, maybe a cook..."

- Captain Malcolm Reynolds  
_1 x 05 Out of Gas_

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Mal strode down the hallway towards the sounds of cutlery against plates and enthusiastic chatter, preparing to put a boot up some asses. There was far too much noise coming from the mess for eleven in the morning, especially for a crew who had work to be doing before they could lift off again. Last time he checked, there was no brunch course on their frugal meal plan.

His annoyance cranked up a notch when he stepped through the doorway and saw a young woman behind the counter, in one of Jayne's shirts and little else, stirring a huge bubbling pot on the stove. The counter top around her was littered with dirty mixing bowls, torn-open ration packs and an assortment of cooking utensils.

He pulled a deep breath in through his nose in preparation for the coming tirade—something along the lines of who in the gorram hell is the girl making herself at home in his gorram kitchen—when he registered the aroma of freshly baked bread and something rich and meaty-smelling that made his mouth water more'n a little bit.

His crew were seated around the table, most of them too distracted to pay their captain much attention, tucking into bowls of stew and complimenting the cook between mouthfuls.

"What in the...?" he muttered, his irritation faltering at the prospect of food that smelled better than anything he'd eaten in months.

Kaylee broke off her conversation with the interloper. "Hey Cap'n!"

She hopped down off her perch on the counter and passed him his own bowlful, with a thick slice of fresh bread on the side. "You gotta try this," she grinned.

One mouthful, then he was going to get some answers, he told himself. He dunked the bread in the stew and took a bite. It was every bit as good as his nose had promised, and then some. The stew seemed to be made of the same rehydrated protein and vacuum-packed rations they had for every meal, only somehow made a hell of a lot more palatable.

"How... and who...?" Possibly the sensory overload was making his brain go a mite squishy.

"Cap'n, this is Darcy," Kaylee said, gesturing with an open palm towards the brunette with curves from here to next week. "Darcy, this is the captain."

Darcy threw him a smile and a casual salute and went back to stirring the pot on the stove.

He shot a look at Jayne, who was scraping his spoon against the bottom of his almost empty bowl. Mal didn't need two guesses to figure out how Darcy had found her way onto his boat.

Jayne just shrugged, looking entirely too pleased with himself. "What? She woke up hungry and just up and started doin' this," he said, jerking his chin towards the galley. "What was I gonna do, stop 'er?"

Mal turned back to Kaylee, "The galley was nigh on empty, was about to send you out on a supply run. Where'd all this come from?"

Darcy looked up from the stove. "I've had a bit of practice making something out of nothing. Didn't have much growing up." The next comment was directed at Kaylee. "You should take me with you when you go to the markets. I've been haggling since I was six, I always get the best deals."

Wash sawed a slice off the loaf in the middle of the table, took a bite and groaned in pleasure.

"Can we keep her?" Wash asked the room at large, and Darcy grinned at the praise.

"I like her," Kaylee said to Mal, in what she probably thought was an encouraging tone.

"You like everybody," Mal replied.

"I like her ass," said Jayne, who'd gone in search of seconds and was now behind the counter with Darcy. He gave her rear end a smack to emphasize his point.

"You like everybody's ass," said Wash, and Jayne didn't bother to disagree.

Darcy grinned wickedly and flicked Jayne with a dish towel, then slung it round the back of his neck and pulled him down into a kiss. Jayne growled appreciatively, which was something Mal would rather not have heard, given the choice.

River drifted past, plucking bits out of her slice of bread and eating them. "She strikes down gods and rescues puppies."

"I'm sure she does, darlin'," Mal said absently, grateful that the most off-kilter member of his crew was steering clear of the knives today.

Zoe came and leaned against the wall next to Mal, arms folded. "Didn't you say somethin' once about puttin' on a cook?"

"Can't afford another crewmember," Mal said, not bothering to keep his voice down. Best to nip this notion in the bud.

"Wouldn't need much," Darcy said, coming out from behind the counter. Mal kept his eyes firmly on her face, ignoring the yellow panties peeking out from under the hem of Jayne's shirt. "Room, board, a bit of pocket money."

He gave her a measured look as he turned the deal over in his mind. He still had one vacant passenger dorm, so providing a room was no skin off his nose, nor was board if she was as good as she claimed at making their supplies go further. There was no denying that decent grub was good for morale, and with Simon, River and the Shepherd staying put for the foreseeable future, there were more mouths to feed than he'd initially planned on.

Not to mention he was sick of listening to all the whining and complaining whenever it was Jayne's turn to cook, both from Jayne and everyone else.

Mal hooked his thumbs under his braces and closed the distance between him and Darcy so they could talk without the whole room overhearing. "And why would you take a deal like that?" he asked, trying to get a read on her.

"Honestly?" She met his gaze with clear blue eyes. "I'm done with this backwater, piece-of-_goushi_ planet, and since Gran died last winter there's nothing to keep me here. I don't have plans to make it rich, but I'm sure as hell not gonna stay here being poor. Time to see what else is out there."

"Looking for adventure?" he asked, crossing his arms.

"Not looking, necessarily, but I think I could handle it if it found me."

Mal thought she probably could at that.

"Anything else I should know?" he asked.

"I'll be bringing my pocket pistol onboard, that's non-negotiable." She pursed her lips as she thought. "And I may have been known to hack the odd Alliance system from time to time."

His mouth twitched in a smirk. A girl after his own heart, then.

"Alright, Miss Lewis. Room, board, a small allowance, and your solemn word that I will never see you in this kitchen without pants again."

Darcy grinned. "You've got yourself a deal, Captain."

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**Chinese Translations**

_goushi _– dog crap

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**AN:** Thanks for reading. It's always fun to write in this 'verse :)


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